


I don't want to cry

by SugarFluffiness



Category: GOT7
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Depends on how you look at it, Eventual Fluff, Heartbroken Jinyoung, I'm Sorry, Jaebum is the best, Lots of Angst, M/M, Pining, get ready, very angsty
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-08
Updated: 2017-10-12
Packaged: 2018-11-29 07:31:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 5,758
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11436099
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SugarFluffiness/pseuds/SugarFluffiness
Summary: Jinyoung is heartbroken. Jaebum just wants to help him and Mark is being stubborn while Yugbam are living in their own little fantasy.





	1. Chapter 1

“Jinyoung,” Bambam pleaded from his place at the foot of Jinyoung’s bed, to the seemingly unconscious form that lay sprawled atop the blankets. “Please just get up. I can’t make myself yell.”  
Jinyoung moaned, refusing to look his younger in the face. “I can’t get up,” he finally managed to say.  
“Then we’ll get you up,” growled Yugyeom, appearing in the doorway. “Bambam, help.”  
The two grabbed Jinyoung and pulled him from bed, purposefully not trying to be the most gentle.  
“Leave me be!” protested Jinyoung as he was dragged upright and pulled off his bed. The hangover was scraping the insides of his head but Jinyoung could hardly feel it due to the strong hollow, broken feeling residing in his chest.

After the maknaes had forced Jinyoung into the bathroom to take a shower and clean himself up, they headed out to the nearest cafe for breakfast with Jaebum, their other close friend.  
“Still hurting?” Jaebum asked quietly, reaching across the table to put his hand on Jinyoung’s. The three had barely just sat down and Jaebum was already acting concerned.  
Jinyoung pulled his hand away and cradled it in his lap, looking down.  
“It won’t stop,” he murmured, as if to himself. “Why did it have to end? I shouldn’t have said anything, I could have saved us.”  
Jaebum smiled sadly and cradled a hand underneath Jinyoung’s rough chin, tilting it up so he could gaze into his cloudy, grief stricken eyes.  
“You couldn’t have done anything. It was never meant to be.”  
Jinyoung sighed. “I know. But although we were on shaky ground, I would have still wanted that more than anything else in the world. He can step on me and crush me to the ground but I’ll never stop loving him.”  
“I know.”

After a solemn breakfast, the three boys walked back to their apartment. Jinyoung lagged behind a bit, watching the couple in front of him bitterly. Bambam reached out a hand, brushing it against Yugyeom’s. Yugyeom grasped the other hand softly, entwining their long fingers like a puzzle.  
Jinyoung allowed himself one selfish moment to imagine the same with Mark. Only in his daydream, he would reach out a hand to Mark and Mark would simply pull away, tucking his hands in his pockets.  
The ache in Jinyoung’s chest didn’t stop throbbing for the rest of the day. Or night.

 

It had been so long ago, so long that the memory should have been hazy and dreamlike, but Jinyoung relived it as if it occurred just yesterday.  
He and Mark and been so close. Too close, some might have said, judging by the way that they simply could not have lived without each other.  
They started their mornings with each other, spent the day together and the last person they talked to before sleeping was each other. Jinyoung swore the two even breathed in sync.  
Of course, the perfect harmony between the two could never last. All their friends wondered if they ever would get tired of each other, but in the end it wasn’t even that.  
After the two fell apart, Jinyoung moved into Yugyeom and Bambam’s shared apartment.  
It was almost as if fate itself was laughing in Jinyoung’s face when he saw their single unused, empty room. And the way things had fallen into place so perfectly after that had Jinyoung wondering if his love for Mark was nothing but completely frivolous after all.  
Even though life was still going on, Jinyoung felt a hole inside of himself. Growing, consuming him day by day. Jaebum had told him that he would, and should eventually start moving on, but for Jinyoung the pain kept growing stronger.

“I miss Mark,” he said simply, laying his head down on the table after the boys had finished eating and were playfully debating over where to go that night.  
“Club, please,” Bambam was whining when he heard Jinyoung. For a second he hesitated, unknowing of how to respond but then approached the hurting boy, peppering his cheeks and back with kisses, rubbing his back. “I know you do,” he said quietly. “Come out with us. It’ll refresh your mind.”  
Jinyoung shook his head. “I don’t feel like it. I’ll just stay here and work on an essay.”  
“Alright,” said Yugyeom suspiciously. “We’re going now but Jaebum is coming over for a bit. You should watch a movie. Relax for a night,” he encouraged softly.  
“I don’t need a babysitter,” said Jinyoung bitterly but then buried his head in his hands, regretting the harsh tone immediately. “Sorry. I…I’m not myself.”  
Yugyeom nodded and rubbed Jinyoung’s shoulder before joining Bambam.  
“Have fun,” Jinyoung managed to say as they exited.

***  
“I can’t imagine what would happen if I ever lost you,” said Bambam, laying his head on Yugyeom’s shoulder and wrapping an arm around his middle.  
“Don’t imagine,” whispered Yugyeom, breathing in his other half’s scent.

***

Jaebum arrived right before eleven pm to find Jinyoung curled up on the couch. Seeing his friend’s tiny form all huddled up initiated an ache in Jaebum’s chest. Assuming he was asleep, Jaebum grabbed a blanket from Jinyoung’s room and was about to lay it over his still form when Jinyoung lifted his head.

“I can’t sleep these days,” Jinyoung said, moving so that Jaebum could squeeze in beside.  
“Thinking about him still?” Jaebum asked gently. Jinyoung noticed he refrained from using Mark’s name.  
“It’s just so hard,” said Jinyoung. “I just want to get past him but I feel so held back-" he choked, stopping.  
“I don’t want to cry anymore,” said Jinyoung, looking down. “Then don’t,” offered Jaebum, smiling. He gently circled Jinyoung’s arms with his hands and pulled him closer. Jinyoung looked up, his eyes filled with tears. “It’s going to be alright,” said Jaebum.  
“We’ll get through this.” The word, heavy with meaning, hung between them. _We_. Not _you_. Meaning _us_ , meaning _together_.  
For the first time, Jinyoung felt as if he might just be able to get past Mark and move on. “Did I ever tell you that I loved you?” asked Jinyoung, smiling through his unshed tears.  
“Yes,” laughed Jaebum. His tone changed though, seeming less apprehensive and more like what Jinyoung was used to. The delicate tension between them had only lasted a few seconds before Jaebum pulled Jinyoung off the couch. “You pick a movie, I’ll get snacks,” he ordered and headed to the kitchen.

The movie was boring. Jaebum found himself focusing more on the warmth of Jinyoung’s lithe body leaning against his. He felt a sudden urge to just gather the boy in his arms and protect him from all the harshness the world had to offer.  
“I just want you to be happy,” murmured Jaebum.  
“I know.”

Jaebum walked back home after Jinyoung fell asleep in his arms.  
He cleaned up quietly and lay the young man across the couch, wrapping him in the blanket, before he gathered his things and left. He took one last look at the peaceful form sleeping soundly, affection and sadness running suddenly through him.  
He would make this better for Jinyoung.

He found himself walking down the empty, dimly lit streets, hands stuffed in pockets.  
He pulled out his phone and stared at it for a couple seconds before shoving it back in his pocket. He repeated the action a couple times more before making up his mind.

“Hello?” a sleepy voice came from the other end.  
“Mark!” exclaimed Jaebum. “It’s good to hear your voice.”  
“I only picked up because you wouldn’t stop calling and it’s four a.m.”  
“I need to see you,” Jaebum said shortly.  
“I don’t think that’s a good idea,” sighed Mark. “I’m not really in a good emotional place currently.”  
“We need to talk,” said Jaebum. “And I know where you live so I’m coming over tomorrow. I don’t even know why I called. We’re seeing each other whether you want to or not.”  
“I’ll take a holiday. You’ll wait outside my apartment forever.”  
“I’ll camp out if I have to,” replied Jaebum. “Goodnight.”  
“Not really,” murmured Mark and hung up.

“So how’ve you been?” asked Jaebum, circling his long fingers around the slim coffee mug and breathing in the sweet scent of hibiscus tea.  
“Not well,” admitted Mark. “I never knew I needed him so much until now.”  
“It’s not that hard to get back together,” offered Jaebum, raising an eyebrow.  
“Stop right there,” said Mark angrily. “So this was this was about? You don’t really want to know how I’m doing, do you? You just want to get us back together so you can be guilt free and things can continue on as how they were before. You’re so selfish, Jaebum.”  
He stood up and paced.  
“Sit down,” ordered Jaebum calmly and took a sip of his tea. “I’m not here to persuade you to get back together with Jinyoung. As much as I’d like it, I can’t change people’s emotions, no matter how stupid and senseless they are,” he added.  
Mark gave Jaebum sorrowful eyes. “We’re done. Things can never be the way they were. I loved Jinyoung, I really did. But I can’t bear to see his face again. I never want to think of him again.”  
“And is that because you miss him or because you’re mad at him? I think you’re just scared that something more could have happened through your friendship,” said Jaebum.  
“Since when did you become my therapist?” snapped Mark.  
“Since I met you,” Jaebum said teasingly. “Listen. I care about Jinyoung. More than you could imagine. The last thing I want is to see him hurting over someone who doesn’t even want to see his face ever again. And I know you loved him.”  
Mark ran a hand through his hair. “I loved him, but not in the way he wanted. Hey, if you adore him so much, why don’t you date him and fix your broken hearts? I’m out of this equation.”  
“I’m out as well. This is between you and Jinyoung. Don’t be ridiculous.”

Later, Jaebum was lying in bed, thinking about the dilemmas of his friends. He couldn’t stop replaying what Mark had said earlier in his mind. “ _If you love him so much, why don’t you date him and fix your broken hearts?_ ” It really was ridiculous. He loved Jinyoung, but not in the way Jinyoung wanted. Jinyoung needed Jaebum as a friend, nothing more.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An 'accidental' meeting

Jinyoung had always loved Mark. Since the first time he saw him to the last time. And he knew with certainty that he would _never_ stop loving Mark. No matter how much Mark had ended up hurting him.  
Jinyoung had always imagined kissing Mark. Of course the two had always kissed each other on the cheeks, but Jinyoung dreamed of something more between them. Of course if he knew what such dreams would amount to, he would have desperately tried to rid himself of his feelings. Not that he already tried. But every time Mark held his hand or teased him or cuddled him, he always amounted to a shaky, love struck mess at the possibility that maybe, just perhaps Mark loved him back in the same way.  
The biggest mistake Jinyoug had made was when he could finally no longer hold himself back. 

The two were snuggling together one night, after Mark had just told Jinyoung about his day. It was the natural and romantic, the perfect moment, Jinyoung’s heart was fluttering as Mark lay his head in his lap and Jinyoung ran his fingers through the older’s soft hair. He couldn’t help but keep staring at Mark’s dark lashes, his full lips and the way his eyes creased when he smiled.   
And he definitely couldn’t stop himself from slowly bending down and brushing his lips against the older’s tentatively, the hope fluttering inside of him like butterflies.   
Mark pulled away quickly in shock, eyes wide open, mouth ridiculously open, horror clouding his features. He jumped up, shouting at Jinyoung. “What was that? Why did you kiss me?” he yelled, imagining that perhaps he was just overreacting, that his best friend hadn't just crossed that line, that he hadn't betrayed their friendship in such a selfish manner.   
“I love you,” pleaded Jinyoung, tired of keeping his feelings bottled inside of him. “I can’t stop myself.”   
“Get out. I can't look at you again.” 

 

“Jaebum’s moving in with us,” Bambam announced suddenly over breakfast. Jinyoung nearly spit out his coffee. “Why?” he asked suspiciously.   
“Because we clearly can’t drag you out of bed every morning and get your mopey ass to eat. Jaebum offered anyway,” Yugyeom said bluntly.   
“I thought I told you I don’t need a babysitter,” grumbled Jinyoung, but felt something akin to relief blossom in his chest. 

 

Jaebum leaned his chin on his hand, staring at Jinyoung who was pretending to read a book.  
“Why don’t you go get some groceries? We have no food here and I don’t want us to starve. Go get some fresh air, it’s good for you.”  
Jinyoung sighed and got up. “Alright. Just to get away from your annoying voice,” he joked.   
“You know you’d be a walking mess without me.”   
Jinyoung just rolled his eyes affectionately and headed out. 

 

“Mark?” Jaebum asked, holding the phone in one hand and trying to rinse dishes with the other.   
“If you mention Jinyoung, I’m hanging up,” came the answer.   
“No, I just wanted to ask you to meet me for lunch. I need your help editing an essay of mine.”  
“Why don’t you just send it to me?”  
Jaebum gasped. “And miss an opportunity to see you? I think not. I’ll pick you up at five.” 

 

“Thanks for helping me,” said Jaebum when Mark entered the car.   
“Anyday,” replied Mark.  
“I just want to stop by the grocery store to pick up a few things. I’m really craving strawberry milk. I’ll buy you something.” He gave Mark his best puppy eyes, which he thought made him look like a dying seal, but thankfully they seemed to affect Mark.   
Mark sighed. “Fine. But let’s be quick.” 

Mark spied a dark haired male in one of the aisles they passed. His thoughts immediately jumped to Jinyoung.   
A part of him wanted to go back and see if it was him, hurting, craving for Jinyoung again. But another part of him grew saddened at the thought that the only way he and Jinyoung would ever meet again other than by coincidence. 

He turned down a random aisle, dismissing his depressing thoughts when he came face to face with the consumer of his thoughts.   
In that moment, he realized how long it had been since the two had seen each other. Jinyoung was as beautiful and delicate-looking as he remembered, if not more.   
Both young men were frozen, caught in each other’s stares. Mark’s heart was pounding so loudly he believed it could be heard from the other side of the store. _I don’t want him to hear that_ , was all he could think of.   
There was so much unspoken between them, the tension between them strong enough to create tears in their eyes. Mark opened his mouth but his voice stuck in this throat.   
Jinyoung turned away quickly, breaking the spell and practically ran out of the store, forgetting his groceries behind.  
Only after did Mark find his voice, staring down the lonely aisle of the dim grocery store. “Stop,” he whispered to nothing. 

 

“He looked so tired,” Mark murmured later when they were in the car. “Is he eating okay?” he asked, suddenly turning to Jaebum.   
“Why do you care?” Jaebum asked in return, lifting an eyebrow.   
“I don’t. I just don’t want him to die because of me.”  
“Alright,” said Jaebum mockingly.   
The rest of the ride was spent in silence as Mark chewed his lips. 

 

“Really, what are the chances? It’s as if the whole universe is rooting for you,” Jaebum said, looking up from the mess of notes laid before him and Mark.   
“Me and Jinyoungie?” scoffed Mark. “Don’t count on it.”   
“I’ll tell him not to,” replied Jaebum.   
“No!” cried out Mark before he could stop himself. “Don’t talk to Jinyoung about me.”  
“Well, you won’t be there to stop me….” teased Jaebum.  
Mark made a growling sound in his throat but a downcast expression clouded his features.   
“I missed him,” he said quietly, laying his head down on the table.   
Jaebum reached over and rubbed circles into Mark’s back gently. “I know.” 

 

“Why don’t you go talk to Mark?” offered Jaebum, stretching out on his makeshift bed in Jinyoung’s room.   
“I can’t. He doesn’t want to see me. And he’s hurt me so much. I couldn’t bear seeing him again.”  
Jaebum wasn’t surprised that Jinyoung hadn’t told him about his and Mark’s impromptu meeting at the store. Jaebum pretended as if he didn’t know it had happened, it would be best for his friend to just figure it out on his own. Jinyoung probably was hurting even more now, the memory of Mark still fresh in his mind. He decided not to press Jinyoung anymore, he didn’t want to give his heartbroken friend false hope. 

No matter how many times Jinyoung told himself that seeing Mark would just open up his healing wound, he still wanted to see him.   
“It’s not hard,” Bambam had said. “You ring his doorbell. You say hello. You talk. Simple.”  
“But he doesn’t want to talk to me,” persisted Jinyoung.  
“He does” Jaebum insisted, butting into their conversation without warning, causing Jinyoung to jump. “You should have seen the way he was acting after you two…” he trailed off, catching his slip up.   
“You set us up?” Jinyoung assumed, gasping when he saw the truth on Jaebum’s guilty face. “Jaebum! You know I just wanted to forget about him! You have no idea how much it hurts, do you?”  
“I just wanted to help,” explained Jaebum meekly, feeling like he had just swallowed a rock and it was sitting in his belly, weighing him down more and more. He felt horrible about Jinyoung’s pain, wanting to make it better no matter what. _And I do know how it is to hurt_ , he added in his mind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Excuse me for the shitty chapter.   
> But...thoughts?   
> <3


	3. Chapter 3

Jaebum had convinced Mark to go on a coffee break with him, using the excuse of studying too much.  
When they sat down and sipped their cooling drinks, Jaebum couldn’t resist his thoughts from wandering back to Jinyoung.  
“So why did you reject Jinyoung so harshly, breaking his heart and your strong connection? If you loved him so much, didn’t he at least deserve a gentle let-down?” he questioned before he could stop himself.  
“I wasn't interested,” said Mark shortly after a long pause.  
“So you’re a shallow piece of trash then, is that it?” Jaebum asked curtly, feeling his blood boil. Mark was a good friend, but Jinyoung didn’t deserve him if he kept being so ignorant.  “So you’ll cut him off that harshly because you’re not interested in guys? Even I would let a girl down gently if she said she liked me.”  
“You’re completely wrong,” protested Mark, adopting a cool tone. “How can I live with Jinyoung as a friend if he feels like that about me? I don’t see him in that way! I never would, that’s disgusting!”  
Instead of raising his voice and forcing Mark to admit his feelings were warped and cruel, Jaebum simply gave a small smile, shaking his head slightly. “If that’s what you choose. But I hope you realize what you’re missing before he’s gone,” he said quietly and got up, leaving the offended Mark behind. 

 

Jinyoung fell into the couch beside Jaebum, pushing the book out of his hands and pulling his limp arms around the younger’s slight frame.  
Jaebum was all too willing to happily hum in satisfaction as he tightened his hold around Jinyoung and pull him closer, tucking their bodies together like puzzle pieces.  
He was reluctant to speak but he couldn’t stop the questioning from bubbling up in his chest and escaping his lips. “How are you holding up?”  
Jaebum could feel Jinyoung tense up in his arms. “Fine,” the younger choked out. “Let’s just forget about him for a while, yeah?” he pleaded, turning his face up towards Jaebum’s, all shining eyes and soft features. Jaebum felt himself melting in Jinyoung’s embrace, willing to obey the younger no matter what request he made. For tonight, he would be willing to let it go. 

When Jaebum woke again, it was well past dinner time, the objects in the living room casting ominous shadows in the moonlight that dimly illuminated their surroundings.  
“Jinyoungie,” he murmured, fondly looking at his calm face, peaceful in sleep.  
Jaebum stretched out his body after the younger slowly woke up and looked around dazedly, missing the warmth and comfort that came with their entwined bodies.  
“I slept so well,” Jinyoung exclaimed, livening up. “Let’s go out and eat.”  
Jaebum grinned. “I know just the place that you’d love.” 

The meat was delicious, roasted to perfection, melting in their mouths and flavored spicily.  
The couple took turns feeding each other pieces of their large meal, laughing and teasing each other, reminiscing the better days filled with youth and thoughtlessness.  
They exited the restaurant, bellies full and hearts satisfied.  
And seeing Jinyoung’s eye crinkles and open mouth, the ever-present worry free from his eyes, carefree and genuinely happy in the moment, Jaebum allowed himself to dream for just a moment. Just a moment, that he had caused this. He was happy. Jinyoung was happy. And everything was fine.  
If only Jinyoung’s smile didn’t disappear after Jaebum looked away. 

 

“Let’s have a drink,” offered Jaebum. Jinyoung agreed enthusiastically.  
As they made their way to the nearest bar, cutting across a lonely, green park, the two heard small eerie sounds coming from behind a large tree.  
Jaebum shushed Jinyoung, the younger easily slipping his warm hand into Jaebum’s and the two crept slowly behind the tree to find the source of the strangled animal noises. 

There was a small cat, mewing helplessly, battered and bruised. It had obviously been fighting with other cats, scratches were clear along it’s back legs and the tip of it’s ear had been a little chewed.  
Jaebum immediately gathered it into his arms, cooing softly, holding it like a precious gem.  
“We need to take it to the vet,” he insisted, hissing at the cat’s struggles that were causing bright red lines to appear on Jaebum’s forearms.  
Jinyoung took off his coat quickly and wrapped it around the panicked animal, sparing some time for Jaebum to call a taxi and request to be taken to the nearest twenty-four hour vet clinic. 

Jaebum left his contact information at the vet’s office, wanting to be notified for the payment and when the cat was ready to be released.  
“She’s had a rough life,” murmured the veterinary technician sadly, explaining how long the treatment would be. “Thanks for bringing her.”  
Jaebum knew when he collected the cat again he would not be able to let it go. 

“It’s our cat, Jaebum,” said Jinyoung when Jaebum started suggesting names. “I have a few ideas too.”  
Jaebum’s heart swelled when Jinyoung insisted that the cat would be theirs. He loved animals and knowing Jinyoung cared just as much as something he was so passionate about made his body tingle with the warm feeling of happiness and affection. 

When the two got back to the apartment, giggling softly and hushing each other as to not wake up the two youngers, Jinyoung whiningly requested a bedtime story. “Your voice is so soothing, it’ll help me sleep,” he pouted. Jabeum couldn’t resist that face. 

 

“And then what?”  
“It’s obvious. They eventually got married and lived in each other’s arms.”  
Jinyoung sighed contentedly. “That’s the ending I like to hear.”

Jaebum felt a rush of sadness for his heartbroken friend. “I’ll never leave you, Jinyoungie,” he burst out passionately, the anger at Mark burning. “You can even pronounce your love for me and I’ll never let you go.”  
Jinyoung giggled, covering his mouth so his teeth wouldn’t glimmer in the dim lamplight. “You know I love you, hyung.”  
Jaebum wondered why the words extinguished the hopeful adoration he felt burning in his chest.

_Why does his ‘I love you’ hurt me so much?_  
It was easier to pretend he didn’t know the answer to that question. 

 

“Do friends normally sleep together on the couch?” Bambam asked Jaebum the next morning.  
“Jinyoung and Mark used to nap together all the time,” Jaebum defended, cheeks turning rosy. It was nothing to be ashamed of, the two just fell asleep when they were sitting together. Nothing out of the ordinary, right?

“Well, to quote you, hyung: Mark and Jinyoung weren’t just friends. They loved each other and they had a hard time confessing it.”  
“I never said that!” Jaebum gasped. “How dare yo-”  
“Well, seems to me,” rambled Bambam, “that it's the same thing with you and Jinyoung hyung. Except you aren’t aware that you love him, or you’re scared to tell him due to being rejected.” He paused, deep in thought, tapping a finger against his chin.  
“I know my feelings as well as I know the back of my hand,” Jaebum snapped. “And this situation isn’t about me, it’s about my beloved friend.”  
“Sounds like a stupid plan to me. With respect, don’t be foolish.”  
Jaebum swallowed. “Yah! Stop being ridiculous! You better watch it.”  
He felt his heart clench. Why did Bambam have to appeal to him in such a way? Jaebum couldn’t let himself be selfish. He wouldn’t. 

Mark called again. He sounded urgent, begging Jaebum to meet him immediately.  
When Jaebum arrived scowling, Mark rushed to the car and got in. “Drive,” he ordered.  
Jaebum drove to a secluded, foresty park and stopped the car. He turned to face Mark.  
“Speak.”

It took a few minutes but finally, Mark spoke up, voice cracking.  
“I- I still love him,” he said shakily.  
Jaebum didn’t know where to be relieved or filled with dread.  
“So?”  
“I don’t know what to do! I can’t live without him, I need him like I need air!” 

Jaebum sighed, running a hand across his face wearily. “I’ll talk to him. It’s about time you came to that conclusion.”  
“I don’t deserve...do you think he still loves me?” Mark squeaked.  
Jaebum stared straight ahead. “I’ll call you when he’s ready.”  
Mark grabbed Jaebum’s arm. “Thank you, oh you've saved me. I can’t thank you enough.’  
Jaebum shook off his arm. “I’m doing this for Jinyoungie,” he said curtly. 

 

A week later, Jinyoung still heartbroken and Jaebum not being able to speak to him about Mark, Jaebum was cleaning their room, grumbling halfheartedly at the clothing strewn across the floor and the stationary scattered across the small desk. “How does he even feel comfortable with this much on his bed?” he speculated, trying to organize the bed with far too many pillows and blankets on it to even attempt being made neatly.  
He was in the midst of folding a large blanket, arms aching from the weight of holding it up under his chin when a book fell out from it’s depths and hit his foot, sliding across the floor. Jaebum yelped and threw the blanket down, deciding to give up for a couple moments.  
He leaned down and picked up the book, groaning at the way his back cracked due to all his strenuous work earlier and settled on Jinyoung’s bed, curling up and opening it’s blank cover and worn pages. 

_Mark. I wish I had-_

Jaebum slammed the book shut immediately, recognizing Jinyoung’s handwriting. Jaebum was all too familiar with Jinyoung’s love for organizing his thoughts, knowing the younger’s instinct for writing down and analyzing everything.  
Jaebum had introduced Jinyoung to his love for novels, and seeing his room now filled with all sorts of shapes and sizes of books made Jaebum feel a bit proud, knowing he had influenced Jinyoung in a way that would always bring him joy. But Jaebum hadn’t introduced Jinyoung to his love for writing and never had gotten to see the insides of the many journals and notebooks that also took space alongside his novels.  
It seemed that Jaebum had stumbled upon one of Jinyoung’s diaries. 

_Mark. I wish I had been able to tell you I loved you properly, without you getting mad and pushing me away, twisting a knife in my heart._  
But I somehow know you loved me too. What changed it? I know you better that I know the back of my hand. And I know you are hurting too. That much I’m sure of. But if you never want to see me again, then I won’t reach out to you. I wish we could just talk this over. That’s all I want. To see you one last time, and not in those photographs where we’re both smiling and happy.  
I’m so confused, Mark. I’m just so confused. And blinding heartache doesn’t help me figure out anything either, except for the fact that, although I wish I didn’t, I still love you. 

“He still loves you,” Jaebum yelled, throwing the hastily ripped out paper in Mark’s face. “Is that enough for you to swallow your stupid fears and just see him again? Last week you wanted to tell him that!”  
“He wouldn’t forgive me,” Mark insisted stubbornly, letting the page flutter to the ground without opening it. “It’s been too long, it’s best to just let him move on. He doesn’t deserve me at all. All I’ve given him is hurt.”  
Jaebum tried to stop himself from pulling his hair out in frustration.  
“You love him. He loves you. What about that do you not understand?”  
“I’m a coward. He doesn’t deserve someone like me.” Mark shook his head adamantly. “The only way I’ll ever see him again is if you kidnap me and bring me to him.”  
Jaebum gritted his teeth together. _Fine_ , he thought. _Thanks for the idea. ___

___Me: _Let’s have a picnic dinner tomorrow ____  
Mark: _K what time_  
Me: _Seven. I’ll cook something good and we can talk. Meet me at the park near my apartment, the spot near the small river_  
Mark: _I’ll be there_

____ _ _

_______“Jinyoungie, I planned a picnic dinner for us,” Jaebum pleaded, best puppy expression on full view._  
Jinyoung nodded. “Alright. It’ll be good for me to get out of the house anyways.”  
Jaebum sat beside Jinyoung, hugging him from behind. As he lay his face on Jinyoung’s back, breathing in his familiar scent and wrapping his arms strongly around the younger’s small frame, he hoped it wouldn’t be the last time he would feel so content and at ease.  
This was home. He just wished it didn’t make him feel so guilty. 

____The next day Jaebum took Jinyoung to the park. He lay down a blanket in a quiet, serene area, covered partly by the shade of trees. He could hear the birds singing softly when he walked back to the car to grab ‘something he had forgotten’, nervous anticipation fluttering in his stomach._ _ _ _

____When he got back, Mark was already there. Him and Jinyoung matched in a staring contest. Mark reached an arm out as if to grab the younger and sweep him into his arms. Both looked so desolate and lost, Mark’s eyes shining with fierce passion._ _ _ _

____Mark opened his mouth, cleared it a couple times and began, taking a step forward. “I lied. I lied to everyone, including myself I thought it was wrong that you had feelings for me. Having thoughts about kissing you and loving you disgusted me so much that I thought you were off limits, it caused me so much disgust towards myself. And when you confessed that night, it broke me. I was so guilty and disgusted by myself for liking you in a way that wasn’t ‘just friends’ that I pushed you away. I’ve made stupid mistakes, but none I regret more than that. Can you possibly take me back?” He was rambling at this point, suddenly closing his mouth.  
“This is very sudden. You caused me so much hurt-” Jinyoung broke off, still absorbing the sudden confession. _ _ _ _

_______“I was a fool,” continued Jinyoung. “I shouldn’t have admitted my feelings. If things had only continued as they were. I’d give up so much to just get it back.”_  
Mark shook his head, taking a step closer, fingers hesitant but lightly brushing Jinyoung’s tears away. “Don’t cry for me. I was never worth it.”  
“Can we still be friends?” hiccupped Jinyoung through his sobs.  
Mark’s knees nearly buckled, instead he held Jinyoung’s hands firmly. “Did you just hear what I said? You’re all I have, Jinyoungie. And I’m so sorry, I’ve caused you so much pain.”  
“Does this mean you don’t hate me?” Jinyoung teased, sniffling. He squeezed Mark’s hands back, just as hard.  
“It means I love you. I loved you, I always did and I’ll never stop.” And before Jinyoung could answer, Mark pressed his lips against the younger man's’ fiercely, their salty tears mingling on their faces. 

_______When they broke apart, gasping for breath, Mark spoke up quietly, almost so Jaebum couldn’t make out his words._  
“I was so blind. I just didn’t understand my feelings. I wasn’t ready to receive your affection and it confused me. Jaebum helped me figure out what I was feeling eventually.”  
“How I love that man,” murmured Jinyoung.  
“More than you love me?” teased Mark.  
“Never.” 

____ _ _

_______It was true, Jaebum admitted to himself bitterly. He did care. More than he thought was possible. More than he could have admitted to himself before. He had been rejecting those feelings for so long, but couldn’t look away when they finally stared him in the face.  
As he watched Mark hold Jinyoung as if he were made of glass and gently dip him back, kissing him as if they were crafted for each other, his satisfaction slowly fell away and his heart clenched with the sharp feeling of hurt.  
Maybe he wasn’t too happy with the way things had turned out, but if Jinyoung was happy, then that was all Jaebum really needed._

_______In that moment, when the scarring hurt and pain blossomed in Jaebum’s chest, he knew that he truly loved Jinyoung._  
But he turned away. And didn’t look back.  
_Deep breaths. Deep breaths. Keep walking. Walking. One step. Two steps.  
I don’t want to cry._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for sticking through this fic with me! It was sooo hard to write towards the end, writer's block really got to me. I'm so sorry about my paragraphs and timeline here, things tend to jump around everywhere. I'll go back and edit the entire thing (one day), but for now I hope you enjoyed! <3 I'd love to hear your thoughts on it!

**Author's Note:**

> Hey hey hey!! I don't usually write chaptered fics OR angst so this was a bit of a challenge for me. I haven't yet completed it but I'm working hard so I'll post as I go.  
> Sorry if the writing is a bit choppy!! I might go back and edit, we shall see when the fic is completed!  
> I'm a sucker for listening to sad songs while I write angst SO I included a bunch of song lyrics in my writing! If you're curious, I was inspired by Got7, Seventeen, Imfact, Winner, Speed, Bigbang, B.I.G and B.A.P.  
> <3


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